It’s been a hard week, and an interesting day. Besides some crazy work stuff, I’ve been stressing and agonizing all week over a situation in my personal life. Finally last night I made a decision and then carried it out. I felt so relieved! And then, this morning, I promptly woke up with a stress release migraine. Sadly this is how my brain works; I got a migraine the morning after exam period ended every semester in high school. Nice to know my love life is about as pleasant as an exam period, right?
Anyway, during this migraine I had the weirdest dream. I was standing outside, waiting for this kid I had a crush on in high school (name undisclosed in case anyone who knows us ever reads this) to walk by, and was trying to put on a sports bra. Yep, that’s it, the whole dream. Me struggling to put on a sports bra. I couldn’t do it!! My arms kept going in the wrong holes or getting twisted, and I was so confused and frustrated! And then I woke up. What on earth does it mean??? Other than maybe I need to go to the gym more often?? Haha.
Then because I had already planned to and because my muscles were still all tense from the migraine, I went and got a massage. And I had a very attractive male masseuse. Normally male masseuses are flamboyantly gay, big beefy men in their late 50’s, or tiny 12-year-old skater boys who smell like weed. Since none of these are my type of guy, I normally can play it cool with the “there’s-a-guy-rubbing-my-naked-back” thing. But this guy? Soooo cute!!!!! And straight. And nice. Pretty much instant crush-ville, . Which is not necessarily a problem, but when he’s massaging the tension out of your palms (sounds weird, but one of my favorite parts of full-body massages) and you’re thinking, “hmm, kind of wish you wanted to hold my hand in real life,” it’s a bit distracting. I’m already trying to decide if the cuteness is a reason to go back or a reason to stay away.
But anyway, the guy last night and the masseuse today made me think more about a list I’ve been mentally composing, the list of why my life is definitely NOT a romantic comedy. Don’t worry, this isn’t a list of complaints. I don’t really want to live in a romantic comedy, they seem unnecessarily melodramatic to me. But every so often, it’s funny to remember the difference between reality and what I’m tol should be my fantasy. So here it is, part of my list of how I know I’m not a romantic comedy heroine.
1. I don’t “meet cute”, I “meet awkward”. Take the male masseuse hottie. I met him with a pounding head, wearing scrubs and no make-up, and solely for the reason that I have very knotty rhomboids. Kind of awkward to have the first thing a guy knows about you be the state of your neck muscles. And take one of my most recent first dates. The guy walked up while I was texting. Unfortunate for that alone, but then, in an attempt to make myself not seem rude, I explained who and what I was texting. When my friend had been in town to visit me, I had tripped while we were walking down a street and fallen flat on my face. Well, on my way to meet this guy, I had walked down the SAME street and tripped AGAIN. So I was texting her to tell her that story. Which ended up being the same story I told him. Smooooooooth. The date ended up going well, but I’m pretty sure it doesn’t meet the romantic comedy scene criteria.
2. Related: I am living in the wrong places. In a romantic comedy, you’re supposed to live somewhere trendy, hip, and/or scenic—Los Angeles (the good parts) or New York (Manhattan and sometimes Brooklyn). I may have missed this memo. As a girl at my high school reunion said, “I moved to Detroit cause I wanted to corner the market on urban depressed areas!” And I said, “Hey, I live in Baltimore!!!” Baltimore is actually really growing on me, but let’s be honest…tv shows like The Wire are set here. Not movies starring Katherine Heigl. (yes, there was a movie with John Travolta in drag set here, but that is not trendy.) Also, in romantic comedies all the front and center AND background people are unnaturally gorgeous and/or wholesome looking. The kids I work with are friggin’ adorable, and my friends of course are lovely, but the majority of the guys I pass on the street would not make the extra call-back list for most romantic comedies.
3. My wardrobe is all wrong. You know I love giving myself a good shopping montage, but let’s face it, when was the last time a movie character looked at her closet and said, “Mmm, I think I need more khakis”? The movie version of shopping is a cute boutique and bright trendy sexy things. My version is usually Old Navy and sweaters, which, in a shocking development, I wear more than once. And sorry to Manolo Blahnik, but the most expensive pair of shoes I’ve ever bought were my Danskos.
4. Related to the shopping comment, I run too many errands. One of the things I’ve always liked about Seinfeld (other than the pure animal magnetism of Jason Alexander….ha!!) was that it showed the characters doing everyday, normal people things, like wandering a shopping mall parking garage or going to the drugstore. You never see romantic comedy heroines wandering a Giant or making sure to pick up some cat litter on the way home. I know it’s not exciting, but it does have to happen, and frankly I would appreciate it if the movies glamorized it every now and again.
5. Last but not least, and I take this one kind of personally, taking off your glasses and straightening your hair does not make a crazy surge of hotness happen. As a naturally curly-haired girl who couldn’t wear contacts until she was 21, I was always very offended by the makeover montage. Want your longlost granddaughter to look like a suitable princess? Contacts and a hair-straightener!! (The Princess Diaries). Need to convince Freddie Prinze Jr you can be a prom queen? You guessed it, contacts! (She’s All That). I don’t wear my glasses very often, but not because I think they’re unattractive, more because I have poor depth-perception and tend to knock them against doorways (true story). And I only take the really long amount of time to straighten my hair about 50% of the time, because, sorry Hollywood, but I like my curls. If all it took to rope Harrison Ford AND Greg Kinnear (Sabrina) was to do these two things, it would have happened to me many years ago, and I am kind of resentful of the myth.
I actually have more items, but I’ll save them. After a week like mine, it’s hard to not wish my life was more Hollywood script-writer-approved, but in general, I think it’s pretty good. Hope you all are happy with your own, and happy Sunday!!
Much love.
